BA's Corner: Lessons to New Fathers from a New Father

When I found out I was going to be a father, I did the only thing I know to do in any situation I don't know much about. I set out on a journey to collect as much information about the topic at hand as I could...books, internet research, friendly advice, people with more experience, etc. I knew I had a lot to learn, and I was anxious to learn it from those who had come before me.

The closer the due date came, the more advice I seemed to get. Much of it was duplicative at this point. What I began to realize is that each book was part of it's own philosophy or method, often conflicting with other books. In fact, it seemed that every nurse in the hospital subscribed to their own philosophy, which they shared with us at all hours of the night (much of it I was half asleep for). For instance...

What to Expect the First Year - This is the gold standard, of course. So much so, that we actually received several copies as gifts! I read about milk storage, cracking the crying code, and poop colors for many hours on airplanes this year. In April, I actually sat next to a woman on a plane who was also reading this book! Being non-social, I didn't let on. The downside of this book is that it's overkill. (Plus, it's got a really girly cover. Come on...guys are interested too!)

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child - This is the #2 book I chose to focus on. It came recommended by some trusted friends. It emphasizes the importance of sleep and how to recognize drowsiness so you can maximize sleep for the long-term health of the child. I really bought into this, and still do. But for the first 2 weeks, this book simply doesn't apply. There's no mention of feeding, which is the real #1. Without feeding, you can forget about sleep habits.

Happiest Baby on the Block. I didn't read this one, but one of the nurses was talking about the 5 S's that came from this book (or was I dreaming when she was talking?). I don't remember what the S's were, but I can tell you there are a lot more than 5.

There are others. One book emphasizes natural bonding with the child, one emphasizes a strict schedule to eventually ease parents' workload. Everybody's got to make their money in the baby business these days. Oh, and I'm here to tell you that my daughter is cuter than almost all of the babies in these books.

One nurse said there are only 5 reasons babies cry: they're hot, cold, dirty, hungry, or need TLC. Ma'am, I'm sorry, but there are a million other reasons...starting with gassy, tired, overtired, scared, uncomfortable, not swaddled, too tightly swaddled, grumpy, or just plain bored of peace and quiet so they want to hear themselves wail away. Not every good piece of advice comes in fives.

The list goes on....

Then when Leah was born, I quickly realized a few more lessons on my own.

1. Things won't happen as you planned them. No matter how many times you pack and re-pack the labor bag, you'll scramble at the last minute with your wife already at the hospital, shouting commands to you over the phone.

2. You can be prepared, but you can't bank up on your sleep. Believe me, I've tried.

3. You're going to lose every argument for a while. Your wife just pushed a human being out of her.

4. Nobody knows what to do, so don't even try to learn beforehand. Just do what comes naturally, and find a good pediatrician! You'll know you have one if you can envision yourself hanging out at a backyard BBQ with him/her.

5. You'll have to make some choices over the next couple of weeks. For example, when you unexpectedly find that you have an extra 30 minutes at your disposal, you'll have to decide if you should eat dinner, take a shower, or take a nap. For me, the meals usually fall to the bottom of that list. And baseball caps come in handy. Go for the nap.

6. Get to know your local Target and Babies R Us stores. Sounds kind of silly, but when the baby is crying and your wife is exhausted, it's nice to know that the thermometers are on Aisle 23 so you can get back home.

7. There is no magic trick. We had pages of notes for labor...different positions and techniques. We burned through those in about 5 minutes, and nothing really worked. For the baby, we bought the swing, the bouncer, the music box, the mobile, the car seat shade, the humidifer, the snuggly blanket, etc. Everything works a little. But if you're thinking that the one thing you spent hours putting together is going to save you at 4 a.m., you can forget about it. There is no magic trick that's going to stop the crying...that would be too easy. (P.S. If you have a magic trick that you're not telling me about, it's time you fess up.) However, I'm sure that these tools will work one day. I guess I expected the baby to come out craving the darn swing I put together....she's much more interested in showing me the back of her throat combined with her brute leg strength.

8. Diapers are no big deal. Don't even sweat it. I changed my first diaper on 3 hours of sleep with no instruction. It was actually exciting because it was just one step closer to taking our girl home.

9. You will spend a lot of your time over the next week or two on your feet. Kind of funny, but everywhere you go, there will be a seat for your wife, but probably not a seat for you. And you'll be attending to all of your wife's needs. She can't and shouldn't be walking very much, so it'll be up to you to do everything for her....carrying, cleaning, driving, whatever. Refer to item #3 above.

10. Lastly, be prepared for the thrill of your life! That day has got to be the most amazing day of your life. (It's quickly followed by the toughest transition of your life). That little thing is going to be so soft, your heart is going to melt. If not, you're not human. And the sound of that crying is straight from heaven (for a day or so).